Tony Bennett to Relaunch Political Career

Anthony Bennett, the disgraced solicitor who heads up the sinister Madeleine Foundation is set to relaunch his career in politics. In a speech made at the Harlow WI center over the weekend Bennett announced his new ‘Temperance Party’.

In the five hour presentation Bennett laid out his party manifesto in precise detail to the faithful which included leaving and abolishing the European Union, defense spending, foreign aid, government borrowing reform and state pensions.

During his earlier political career in UKIP he made no secret of his intense dislike for European Central Policy dictated from Brussels and campaigned against legislation. He conducted a high profile campaign to have metric road signs removed from the county of Kent, UK. Where he was unable to carry the signs away, he sprayed the signs with black paint to obscure the information.

Bennett was later acquitted from Maidstone Crown Court on all charges of vandalism and destruction of private property. This did not discourage him from taking on the local Conservative Council and staging protests against their plans to erect a statue to commemorate the life and literary works of sixteenth century hedonist and sexual healer Wilbur H Baum. While Bennett organised daily ‘sit ins’ at the proposed site of the statue he was also leading another campaign against local branches of Sainsbury and Tesco to cease trading Camembert cheese due to it’s French origin. The protest culminated in an evening candle lit English cheese and cracker vigil in the Harlow branch of Tesco’s car park. Although detained by police, he was later released without charge.

At this stage Bennett left UKIP and formed the Veritas Party with Robert Kilroy-Silk. Within a short time he was then promptly ejected following out spoken views regarding homosexuality and other religious faiths as well as his background in the National Front.

His political career now over Bennett’s personal life also fell apart when the local paper ran a story revealing him to be part of a wasp wrestling ring and linked to Harlow crime lord Jesus ‘el Toro’ Sanchez. Bennett helped police and the RSPCA with their inquiries and was later cleared of all charges. Rumors soon spread. Rumors that Bennett was involved with freemasonry, trafficking and racist dancing.

Retired crime reporter for the Harlow Prendergast, Dickie Smyth-Osbourne recalls the day organised crime came to the small Essex village.

“They were the bad old days that our senior residents want to forget. Everyone knew that Sanchez and Bennett were running some sort of scam. It was a dark time for us all. I remember the coppers yanking out the headless body of a hornet from the Lilly Pond. Back then we found dead insects everywhere, all victims of the ‘spaghetti confetti’

Dickie Smyth-Osbourne, Harlow Prendergast (Rtd)

Facing retirement Bennett then sought to gain back his waning international popularity by intruding on the grief of various people. The Barrymore Lubbock case is probably the most well known example of his meddling in things that don’t concern him. However this case has been dwarfed somewhat by his insane ramblings and babbling on about the disappearance of Madeleine McCann. It is at this point that Bennett allegedly created the Madeleine Foundation. During the next few years the Foundation managed to offend Madeleine’s parents, their neighbors, the UK Police, the Portuguese Police, the family spokesman Clarence Mitchell, Harriet Harman, Fred Dibnah, Derek ‘Macintosh’ Bates and cuddly BBC horticultural guru, Alan Titchmarsh.

Given Bennett’s political career and personal life to date it’s easy to see why his disapproval for the European Union and Brussels became galvanized to the point of an all consuming dark obsession which has him fantasizing cutting the throat of the European parliament and drinking its still warm blood.

In the speech announcing his Temperance Party, Bennett, rocking demonically back and forth on his heels left no one in doubt that his party stood for the return of core family values and harsh punishments for those choosing to live outside of the law.

Reintroducing Christian disciplines and routine floggings into all modern secondary schools Bennett expressed a concern that a moral decay hung heavy over our educational institutes. In a blistering attack against the coalition government he accused UK Prime Minister David Cameron of “being in league with a witch”, blamed him for Justin Bieber and the country’s slide into what he described as a “modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.”

After banishing Nick Clegg and Richard Branson to the fiery pits of hell, Bennett vowed that if elected his first priority to the country would be cleaning up the crime epidemic and resetting the collective moral compass of Christendom. The Temperance party leader knocks crime a hard line by reintroducing capital punishment, work camps for youth offenders, mandatory national service and the reinstatement of statute law governing the arrest, detention and prosecution of suspected witches and pagans.

He then moved onto talk about the defense budget which certainly raised a few concerns in the room. Primarily Bennett wants to scrap the well fare state in favor of increased defense spending. He spoke loudly in a somewhat unhinged manner about the various enemies of the country literally banging at the gate and that the time for ‘wishy washy’ policy was over. To summarize he wants to boost the country’s nuclear deterrent whilst also investing in more advanced munitions to give the UK a ‘first strike capability’. In addition he indicated that a Temperance Party Prime Minister would triple research budgets into a more destructive replacement for the Trident system.

However, Bennett saved his most controversial policies for the denouement of his speech. With very distinct echoes of Enoch Powell’s “Rivers of Blood”, he repeatedly struck members of the audience about the head with pomposity as he laid out his plans to sever all connections with Europe and to invade France within seven days of his election to Downing Street citing that the country’s government needed regime change.

In a move that is certainly reminiscent of the British Empire, he also gyrated and pontificated a warning to the party faithful that Europe was a den of mindless bureaucracy and that a future England can only hope to stem the endemic corruption through superior fire power, an increase in its nuclear arsenal, the sacking of Rome and the completion of an orbital weapons platform mysteriously called the “Death Star”

Bennett received a lengthy standing ovation from the party faithful lasting around three or so seconds. After the conference Shaz Bradford agreed to speak to this website under the condition of anonymity stating “Tony has got it all, presence, might, fortitude, a comb over and sex appeal. I will be voting for him and the Temperance Party at the next general election. He’s just divine”

Another party conference attendee that had managed to get herself stuck in the revolving door paused to talk to me as she was being cut loose. Zoe Jones said of Bennett “it like an angel ******* in my ******* ears when that ************ **** talks. Word.  ****. Innit.”


Thank you for reading this April 1st 2013 update, your continued support to the Ordinisrubricrucis blog is greatly appreciated.

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One Response to Tony Bennett to Relaunch Political Career

  1. I’ll go along with the return of National Service, but I don’t like the bit about Arrest and Detention of Witches and Pagans as I do not wish to be arrested and detained myself. Can we discuss this point, Mr. Bennett?
    PS. Given enough Harlow Neuts, I can probably win this election for you.
    PPS. I agree about that Hollande character. Can I be President of France?

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